Officially the word expectation means…
‘A strong belief about the way something should happen or how somebody should behave.’
‘A belief that something will happen because it is likely’
‘A hope that something good will happen’
These are all true, but I also have a version that isn’t in the dictionary which can be absolutely true for us all, particularly for people with PMDD…
‘An expectation can be an assumption based on (often limiting) beliefs caused by previous experiences, intrusive thoughts, fears or anxieties. Our subconscious minds are there to protect us and keep us safe in our comfort zone where we limit the opportunity for rejection, pain or abandonment.’
Expectations can be based on a number of things: your upbringing and the expectations of those around you, previous experiences both personal and learnt from others, limiting beliefs, societal ‘norms’ and ideas, peers, media and so on.
Basically, everything you’ve ever seen, heard or felt has been stored in your mind, and from here you form expectations for future scenarios.
Expectations can be really helpful if they align with your needs, goals, boundaries, and desires and help to strengthen a relationship.
They can give you clear outlines and allow you to live within the realms of your core values, and they can allow you to strive for bigger and better things that help you heal, grow and flourish.
But what happens when they hold you back and are actually detrimental to your life?
You can drive yourself mad with often unrealistic or unfair expectations of yourself and those around you.
It can cause frustration, hurt and conflict, and it can become much bigger than was ever necessary.
You can feed your frustrations and anxieties and muddy the waters of your perception when things don’t go to plan, because you’ve not been flexible enough to challenge or loosen your expectations in the first place and so you find yourself at boiling point feeling like the world is against you, with no plan B.
Maybe you hold yourself back from greatness by staying small, shutting out any opportunities that come your way and not allowing yourself to grow or heal because it’s safer to stay where you are. This usually comes with ridiculously high expectations that no one and nothing can ever meet.
Or maybe you’re not respecting yourself the way you truly deserve. Your expectations are so low, that you’re vulnerably sailing through mediocrity with barely any boundaries and plenty of holes for people and yourself to pick away at.
So, ask yourself, what do you actually expect from
- Yourself?
- Your partner?
- Your parents?
- Your friends?
- Your colleagues?
- Your pets?
- Your doctor?
- Your neighbour?
- The supermarket check-out person
Seriously, put some time aside and write a list. You can tell me about it or you can keep it to yourself – it’s up to you. But take the time to do this because awareness is key. When you have this information, it’s much easier to see how realistic and fair your expectations really are.
Then ask yourself (and brain dump it out onto paper)
- What effect have your expectations had on your life?
- How many times have you been so frustrated that others haven’t met your expectations?
- And how many times has it become so big in your head that it’s almost become an obsession and ruins your whole morning/day/week or even month?
- How many times have you felt disrespected or even attacked because you’ve felt let down when people haven’t met your expectations?
- And when you’re really honest with yourself, how often have you stayed confined within the walls of your own experiences and not opened your eyes or mind to other scenarios, reasons or wider context as to why those people have not been able to meet these expectations?
I’ve been there, I hear you.
It’s very common for our expectations of other people to be based on our own experiences or core values as opposed to theirs.
When we do this we can start falling into the realms of judgement. It keeps us safe on our moral high grounds and actually hinders our progress because instead of listening or learning from others or choosing to support others, we make a decision there and then that our way is the best way and we don’t even realise we’re doing it.
Some common ones could sound like:
“They put the plates the wrong way in the dishwasher. I’ve always put them that way, it’s how they go. It’s not hard!”
“Why don’t they work? I got a job within a week, it’s not hard. Jobs are out there if people want them!”
“Well I brought up two kids and worked 3 jobs and I managed to clean the house, so why can’t they!?”
“Why can’t they be on time? I make the effort to be punctual, there’s no reason they can’t”
“Their customer service is terrible, they hardly spoke to me which is rude!”
The problem with these statements is there is absolutely no context taken into account at all. (And if you’re familiar with my work, you know how highly I rate context as one of the 7 Cs!)
They may not have the same support, finances or time and they definitely won’t have the same experiences as you. They also have different strengths, weaknesses, needs and priorities.
We only ever truly know our own situation, just because we can or would do something, it doesn’t mean other people can or should.
It takes work and open-mindedness to be able to put our fears, egos and beliefs aside and step in another’s shoes and it certainly isn’t commonplace in society.
REMEMBER: You are only responsible for yourself and your decisions, and other people are responsible for theirs. If people have unrealistic expectations of you, that’s their issue and not yours.
PRO TIP: Really explore and challenge your expectations. How realistic are they? What do they really mean to you? Can you be flexible? Are they hurting you or anyone else?
When you’re really aware of these things, you can start to tweak them which goes a long way towards prevention and in-the-moment BS. If you don’t know where you are, how do you know where you want to be?
Writing the lists and doing the tasks set out above, will neutralise a lot of the madness around luteal because this is something you have control over and it will minimise frustrations or blow-ups you may otherwise be tangled in.
By focussing on balancing your expectations so they’re more realistic and fair to everyone involved, it will make your life so much easier and calmer.
So, I want to know – how realistic and healthy are your expectations, and what steps can you take to get them in order?
Amy viola x
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